I don’t know what to do …

Three years ago today we buried our son and so I guess now is as good a time as any to recount that experience.  Today started out nice then got a bit rainy and began to turn cold.  It was warmer that day.  Interestingly that day started out a bit cooler, it had rained the day before and I was hoping it wouldn’t rain.  Brandon and I headed over to the church early so that we would have some time with Joshua (more accurately with his body) before anyone else showed up.  We had arranged for my parents to come over and help the girls finish getting ready and stay with them until it was time to head to the church.  As it ended up I had them mostly ready before my parents got there.  I had picked out my clothes the night before so all I had to do was get dressed.  I remember as I was getting ready, this gray hair sprang up from the part in my hair, I thought to myself “does the mom go to the funeral with or without the gray hair? …without” and promptly pulled it out.  We also rounded up the girls snow boots as Nana and Papa had warned us that it would probably be a little messy at the cemetery (either with snow or mud from the melted snow).  We got there before we had told the funeral home guy that we would and so they were still setting up.  I remember being surprised how many people had sent flowers.   It was kind of funny, after the funeral home guy had finished arranging the flowers on the stage, I rearranged them because they weren’t balanced (all warm colors on one side and cool on the other).  I’m trying to remember if they had Joshua there when we arrived or not … I think so.  Our “dude” from the funeral home brought him in and set his little casket on the step.  When he opened up the casket Brandon looked first …I did not want to see Joshua again if he did not look the same as I remembered him, once again Brandon was my knight in shining armor protecting me.  Once Brandon told me it was okay to look, I went over to the casket.  I remember thinking how cozy he looked and was so glad we had been able to get the smaller 18″ casket.   He was dressed in the little striped PJ my sisters had gotten for him and wrapped in the precious, delicately soft blanket my aunt had crocheted especially for him.  I think i had Brandon ask if it was okay for us to take pictures of him (my mom had told me that years ago their friends had not been able to because their baby had been stillborn but we found out it was probably because she had died before she was born and they may not have been able to embalm her) the “dude” said yes and that if we wanted to hold him again he could help us lift him out.  We took him up on his offer and each held him one last time for a little bit. When we were done I tucked him back into his casket and Brandon began to sing you are my sunshine and I joined in.  As we got to the part where you might say “please don’t take my sunshine away” I remembered an alternate ending one of the girls had learned in school… “for you have been my sunshine today” and we finished it that way.  Together we closed his casket and said our final good-bye.

I was very glad we video taped the funeral because I didn’t and still don’t remember much of it without watching the video and I was really pleased with the message.  Brandon had been up much of the night putting together a memorial video so that we could share our precious Joshua with our family and friends who were not at the hospital with us.  The girls were all in the service with us, even Lauren made it through thanks to  a steady stream of smarties to keeping her busy.  I remember being a little embarrassed at first because there were a few times where the girls were acting in a manner some might have considered inappropriate but I just tried to remind myself that they were his sisters and it’s their job, not to mention they had a right to be there.  I had not seen the video Brandon had made prior to the service so of course that made me cry.  He did such a great job capturing our experience with Joshua.

After the service we had a light luncheon and then those who wanted to met with us over at the cemetery (it’s about 45 minutes away).  My mom had gotten balloons for each of the sisters and cousins so we took them along to the cemetery in case any of the kids wanted to let them go.

The cemetery where Joshua is buried is an old country cemetery out in Lowell.  This is the hill you have to climb to get to his spot.

now picture covered in snow with a path plowed up to the top.  It was a little messy and slippery but we made it up the hill.  Actually by this time in the day it was almost 70* so we were at the graveside service wearing boots but no coats.  I wish we had remembered to take our cameras along so I would have pictures of the girls laying their flowers after the service was done and video of Brandon placing his casket in the grave. (a topic for another post)  So now to the part the post is named after …when the graveside service was finished we were sitting and I turned to Brandon and whispered “I don’t know what to do now”,he couldn’t hear me so I had to say it louder.  I had been to funerals and even graveside services but never really paid attention to what happens at the end.  We ended up standing up and exchanging hugs with those who had joined us and then made our way down the hill.  Some of my siblings and their kids came over to our house afterward so the kids could play together.  They were able to play outside because it was so warm out.  I took a short rest and then enjoyed spending some time with my family.

I still face that feeling at times …I don’t know what to do now… what are we supposed to do now…  I don’t have all the answers yet but I am trusting God to lead me day by day.  Each day has it’s own blessings.  As I was recently reminded …trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding …Proverbs 3:5-6.

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