My Dude

I have been seeing a counselor for about eight months.  Yesterday was my last day.

I started going to the counselor after having gone to my primary physician.  I was feeling “not right”  those were the exact words I used (through tears).  After asking some questions and doing an assessment of my general health, he said he felt I was dealing with delayed grief.  Because of all the things we had to deal with regarding Erica’s health (she was diagnosed with allergies and “out of control” asthma around the same time we received Joshua’s diagnosis), I had not been able to complete the grief process for Joshua.  He said in the medical community they call it “adjustment disorder” something he has razzed his brother (a psychologist) about because he says it’s a perfectly normal response.  So he suggested that I start with going to a counselor rather than starting with medication for two reasons: one because he didn’t feel that there necessarily was a chemical imbalance and two because I was trying to get pregnant.  He recommended a few places I could try and encouraged me to try someone new if after a couple of sessions I didn’t feel like I was “clicking” with the person. 

On to the counselor.  I had a previous good experience with a councilor at Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services when we were dealing with some job related issues several years ago, so I thought I would try to see if I could go back to the same guy or find someone similar.  The guy I had was no longer there so I asked to be set up with someone new. ( I tend to prefer male Dr.s, counselors, etc. due to my own personal opinion that women use there own experience as a reference and therefore can not be as objective -the same could be true for a man treating a man -just my own bias) So I scheduled an appointment with a male counselor who had an opening at a time that was convenient for me.

When I arrived for my first appointment they had me come early to fill out some paperwork, the typical insurance forms, who else may we discuss your information with, tell us a little about yourself and your mental health history.  So I filled in about the previous counseling I had gone through, feel free to talk to my husband or my primary physician, some family information, and a little about myself -like the fact that I have difficulty with confrontation.  So eventually the guy comes out and introduces himself and we head to his office to start the session.  He starts going over the forms, asking questions about the info … so middle child huh? …tell me a little more about your previous counselor, what did you find helpful? I believe it was at this point that he told me that he hoped he would be able to be helpful as well but that if at any point I didn’t feel that it was working, to feel free to try someone else. …so you have difficulty with confrontation, do you do it too often or not enough? -I can do it if necessary but I really don’t like it.    So tell me what brought you here today…  well, my doctor recommended I come because I’m stressed out, I have difficulty thinking/making decisions sometimes, my house is a disaster, we have been going through lots of “stuff” related to our daughter’s diagnosis, my son died, and my in-laws (who I like) moved all the way to Mississippi.  As he went back through and got more information, I was beginning to think “this might not work out” but I’ll give it a couple of sessions like Dr. Mohr said.  We continued the session and from my perspective it seemed like he didn’t really think all these things were that big of a deal.  As we were wrapping up the session, going over payment information, frequency of sessions, etc, he again made the comment that if at any point I didn’t feel like it was working out I could try someone else.  I don’t know if he just lost his place in his normal routine of check out but after a few more minutes of conversation, he made the comment again.  I decided that was a sign and said, “I think that might be a good idea”.  Then he got all concerned and wanted to make sure he hadn’t said anything that offended me, I assured him that he hadn’t but I just didn’t feel like we were clicking. (one specific problem was that he would ask me several questions at once and then just I was collecting my thoughts to answer, he would ask more questions -not helpful for someone who has difficulty thinking) So he says, “well it looks like we got that confrontation thing taken care of”.  So out we go to set up another appointment with someone new for the next week.  As I am trying to set up a new appointment, there are no male counselors available when I am.  Near tears, I was beginning to think maybe this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing.  I thought, “well, maybe I’m supposed to go to a woman” so I started to ask if there was a female counselor available.  The lady behind the desk says, “well, let me check on something a minute”  when she came back she says Steve is available.  So we set up my next appointment with him.

As I sat in the waiting area the next week, I was not exactly looking forward to going through my whole story again.  Then out comes Steve, I’m thinking “this guy is like twelve”.  When we get into his office, he seemed almost a little nervous.  He starts explaining the billing process and his approach to counseling and explains that he’s a fifth year student intern, in my mind I’m thinking ” oh cr..umb, I’m going to have to find someone new next week too”.  So we start going over the notes and paperwork from the week before and he starts asking questions about our situation.  He was actually very empathetic and shared that his sister-in-law had lost a child at an early age.  I started to think maybe this guy was going to work out after all.  By the end of the session, it had gone well enough that I set up another appointment for the next week.  I joked with Brandon when I got home that I must be either a pretty harmless case that he couldn’t mess up too bad or I made a good teaching case.  As it turned out, it was a perfect fit and I would even go so far as to say that God placed him here at this time just for me (and maybe a few others).  He will be done with his internship in June and He, his wife and little boy will be moving back to Iowa.  If it was up to me he would definitely recieve high marks and if you are in a similar situation in Iowa, I would definitely recommend him.

So why is the title of the post “my dude”?  As we would talk about my appointments, I was never exactly sure what he was …was he a psychologist? should I call him a counselor? add to that the fact that at first I could  never remember his name without looking and we began to refer to my having “an appointment with my dude”

To anyone in a similar situation, if you find you are having difficulty moving forward after your loss or have additional life circumstances that complicate the grieving process, I would recommend counseling.   I shared with “my dude” that usually my husband is my sounding board but because he was also dealing with his own grief, I needed someone in addition to him.  I found it very helpful to have the perspective of someone who was not directly affected by our loss and could give me an objective viewpoint.  For me, I did not feel that I was able to get that from anyone in my family because they were also affected by our loss as well.  I was able to ask if what I was feeling and thinking was “normal”, or would people think it was weird?  One caution, I would recommend you make sure that your counselor shares your beliefs as mine did as that has a huge impact on how they approach things.